The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

Cult11ral Corner November 2008 Pa e 4A Garret's Smeared Crystal Ball Day. She will shock your senses by claim- ing to be yoµr long-lost mother', who left you at a priest's doorstep shortly after your father died of unknown causes. She will also reveal that your real name is not Jimmy, but actually "Oedipus". Pisces: February 19 through March 20: have just told me of something bad hap- pening to you and/ or you getting killed in some absurd, tragic way, so you did not miss much. you look like. A few of them show up at your door, re'ady to accept your chal- lenge. You cower underneath your bed, screaming about how you are right and they are wrong. Your car is subsequently vandalized. Libra: September 23 through October 22: You have been sentenced to prison for taking bribes and gifts from big corpora- tions. As the judge leaves the court room, you think about all the great stuff you receive and yell out loud for everyone Sagittarius: November 22 through December 21: Half of your family will argue that Thanksgiving must be celebrated because it is both a national and family tradition. The other half of your family will argue against doing so because they feel it is the celebration of genocide. You will stay out of the arguments, and instead cook up some Kraft Easy Mac for dinner, followed by along walk with the dog. Since you are now 21, you can legally drink. You will spend St. Patrick's Day doing just that. You will remember noth- ing, and wake up in a jail cell. "Where am I?" you think to yourself. You then look to your right and think to yourself, "And why is that dangerous thug looking at me like that while ru,bbing the front of his pants?" Aries: March 21 through April 19: Your best friend claims that the demon mon- keys in his head are telling him to blow your brains out with the shotgun he's holding in his hands. You will laugh and say something to the effect that it is April Fool's Day. I will not reveal what happens next, but type "scanners head explosion" into YouTube's search function to get an idea what your doom will look like. Taurus: April 20 through May 20: After being ten years apart, you will meet up with your buds at the Dry Dock. You will all get plowed, laugh about old times, and each get stabbed in the ~t by one 9r two of the criminal scum that occupy that bar. You will all die at the same time, but, ironically your funerals will all be held · at different churches, at different times, and you will all be buried in different cemeteries. Cancer: June 22 through July 22: Keep- ing with the tradition of heroes such as Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder, you too will now be held up as an idol of the Caucasian, Republican, conservative, pa- triotic, nationalist, imperialist, Christian, homophobic, semi-racist (depends on "who" you are talking about) middle- class (i.e. "Real America"). You are Noel the Deadbeat: you live in Alpena, barely graduated high school, have no desire to go to college, spend your free time at the bowling alley, imagining you are "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski, work at Wal-Mart as a greeter and janitor, and waste your weeknights watching Fox News and waiting for the next VHl real- ity show to come on. Leo: July 23 through August 22: You and your little brother are both playing in the street when a minivan turns the corner and speeds toward you both. There is no time to escape. You grab your brother by the hips and hold him up in front of you, praying that, by utilizing him as a shield, you will be spared the worst of the dam- age. You were right in your assumptions! You only get a few scratches and your brother is waiting for you at the pearly gates to smack you. to hear, '1t was worth it! By George, that generic fish statue was worth the hell I'm about to experience!" Scorpio: October 23 through Novem- ber 21: You will dress up as Charli~ Brown for Halloween, expecting that people will give-you rocks instead of the usual treats. You will be disappointed to find that, instead of rocks, you are giving rotten apples filled with rusty, blood- covered razor blades and candy that was previously submerged in a deadly aphrodisiac called Spanish Fly. Capricorn: December 22 through January 19: Christmas and New Years Eve will be spent with some insanely religious/fascist step parents after your actual parents drive all the way from Alpena, Mich. to Nebraska in order to ditch you, 17, and your sister, 15, at a hospital. They drive away yelling "Thank the Lord for safe haven laws!!!" If you are expecting an X-mas card from them, do not hold your breath. Aquarius: January 20 through Febru- ary 18: You will ask the beautiful woman you have been in lov'e with for the longest time out to dinner on Valentine's Gemini: May 21 through June 21: My smeared crystal ball-which re- ally should be cleaned sometime-for some odd reason cannot show me your fortune. It is no big deal though. It would Virgo: August 23 through Septem- ber 22: Certain people who post on alpenanow.com infuriate you with their opinions so much that you challenge them all to a brawl. You give them your address, a description of what your ve- hicle looks like and a description.of what "It serves no purpose. Well, I guess that's not strictly true. It gives as- trology columnists jobs, and it allows · people to shirk responsibility for their actions. "I'm sorry I pushed that button Mr. President, sir, but Saturn was out of sync and my houses were screwed up." -magician and skep- tic Penn Jillette on astrology Garret's Smeared Crystal Ball is written by Garret Schuelke. He is not a professional astrologer, but rather a lonely, cynical, and pessimistic writer and college student. The horoscopes here are figments of his imagination and are intended for entertainment purposes only. Now, to review ... Icy Sparks: A Linda Reames Staff Writer Thisbook is about a girl named Icy Sparks who lives with her grand- parents in a town in Kentucky. She goes to school until she acts up in class and gets sent to a hospital. She meets friends, and hangs out with a woman named Miss Emily who knows what is like to be an outcast. Then, later in the story Icy tries to control her behav- ior to find out what is wrong. Her grandfather dies after that and her grandmother starts to go to church where she finds God. In the end, Icy finds ·out what is wrong with her and accepts it. I like this story because you really get to know how Icy controls her behavior. Some- times when you go though hard · times you try to make it right, but in the end things come together and you have to have faith that God will take care of you. If you are going though a hard time, just remember that you can do it.• Don't give U:p . Capital Lights: This Is An Outrage A Bethany Bohlen Staff Writer ap!ro~-ri~ • ·· ,. 0 ate word -:... .. for Capi- tal Lights' smashing~ debut, This ~~ Is An Out- rage, is "infectious." Packed full of synthesizers, captivating guitar rhythms, nostalgia, and irrepress- ibly catchy melodies, thi~ album is one that will stay in your head for good, and it's outrageously likely that you really won't mind. "Mile Away" is highlighted by the sound of the 1980s, while "Let The Little Lady Talk" car- ries echoes from the progressive rock of the 1970s. The style of the majority of the tracks on This Is An Outrage, is a mix of the best of those decades with the pop-punk genre of today. The finest .repre- sentatives are "Worth As Much As A Counterfeit Dollar" and the bois- terous opening track "Outrage." The music isn't all that'll get in- side your head. The Tulsa quartet's lyrics are authentic - rich with conviction, hope, and relevance. Every song tells a story, rang- ing from breakup anthems, "Re- member the Day" and "Work It Out", to the Bible-based "Return." "We're really big propo- nents of writing about the expe- riences we deal with on a day to day basis," frontman Bryson Phillips told musicfaith.com. "Frank Morris" is the only place to find acoustic guitar (in the final bridge of the final song), but it's well worth the wait, giving a fictional ac- count of an escap~ from Alcatraz. One might suppose that the album's stylistic consistence equals monotony. However, in a genre diagnosed with E.S.S.S.S. (Every Song Sounds the Same Syndrome), This Is An Outrage promises to keep its listeners entertained. From the refreshingly random album cover to the cleverly worded lyr- ics, Capital Lights has unleashed a project worthy of an uproar. This Is An Outrage was re- leased in July 2008 on Tooth and Nail Records. Some tracks are available for a listen on the inter- net (myspace.com/capitallights), and the full 12-track album is up for sale on iTunes . for $7.99. Charlie Bartlett: A Arielle Peirce Staff Writer Charlie Bartlett, starring Anton Yelchin, depicts a rebel- lious, witty, and charming teenage boy who finds a way to get kicked out of every boarding school he attends. After moving to public school, Charlie boosts his popular- ity points by becoming the school's underground psychiatrist in a boy's bathroom stall. He dishes out ad- vice and strong prescription pills prescribed by his personal psychia- trist to troubled students. Charlie immediately rises to star status among his peers. As if he hasn't cre- ated enough of a stir already, Char- lie falls in love with the principal's bold daughter, Susan (Kat Dennings of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist). Charlie Bartlett distinctly por- trays the chaos of tl;l.e pill popping era. There are slight exaggerations, such as the school dance turned rave due to Charlie and chum's dis- tribution of Ritalin. Charlie Bartlett is humorous, cunning, and por- trays a decent picture of today's so-called "troubled youth". It bal- ances its comedic tone with a se- rious and emotional one as well. The cast includes infamous Rob- ert Downey Jr. as the disenchanting, alcoholic principal and Hope Davis as Charlie's nonchalant mother. As the plot begins to unravel, it be- comes conclusive that Charlie has more f his own issues to handle ·and th there is a whole lot more to learn. Charlie Bartlett is a must- see film that leaves viewers wowed and induces intriguing thoughts. Nights in Rodanthe: B+ Katie Welch Staff Writer Look- ing for a movie that is going to make you cry? Nights ii] Rodathe would be that movie. The movie is basedonthebookby NicholasSparks. From the second the movie starts to when the screen blacks out, Nights in Rodan/he is a very predictable movie. Diane Lane and Richaid Gere playing the two leading roles of Adrienne Willis and Dr. Paul Flanner keep the movie going. Even from the seats you can sense the onscreen chemistry that the actors have. Adrienne Willis (Lane) goes through a rough divorce with her husband Jack (Christopher Mel- oni). To help her deal with it she ' volunteers to look after a friend's hotel at Rodathe. Dr. Paul Flanner (<Sere) is the only guest. Through- out Paul's stay, things between Adrienne and him heat up. When he leaves, Paul heads to Africa to help the sick orpharu; and Adri- enne heads back home to take care of her two kids. Letters race back and forth between the two yet Paul never makes it back to see her. If it wasn't for the predictable end it wou,ld be one heck of a movie. Gears of War 2: A+ Gai:y Pikula Staff Writer Direc- tor of Epic Game, Oiff Bleszinski, said that Gears of War 2 was going to be bigger, better, and more badass than the original Gears of War. He was absolutely right. Marcus Fenix and his partner Dom return to the campaign mode to battle the onslaught of the 10cust horde that is destroying cities on the planet Sera. The locust horde re- turns to the game bigger and stron- ger than Gears of War. After the opening mission in the hospital the battles are bigger and the firefights are more intense. The story is deep and captivating. After watching the opening cut scene and playing through the first mission you will not want to put the game down. The campaign will keep you on the edge of your seat through the entire game, but the multiplayer will keep you coming back for more. Multiplayer levels are no longer dark and grey, but filled with vibrant col- ors. Graphics overall are stunning even on a standard definition TV. Game play is much differ- ent than Gears of War but is far more balanced. No more repeti- tive shotgun battles against your friends. In Gears of War 2 you need to learn to use every weap- on effectively to achieve victory. Overall, Gears of War 2 is exact- ly what Cliff Blezinski said it would be; bigger, better, and more badass than the first game. It is well worth the $60 price tag and will likely be the king on Xbox Live for a long time. Good Taste: A+ Robert Gandy Staff Writer In April, when I moved from Washington, i D.C. to Al- pena, it was wi¢aheavy heart I said goodbye to all the favorite restau- rants of my childhood. When my education bids me to move on again, it will be with that same bittersweet sadness I will say goodbye to Jimmy Chen's Hunan Chinese Restaurant. The restaurant is a delight to the senses from the moment you walk in the door. The smells of cooking garlic, spices, meats and seafood, and the ceramic tomb soldier are a prelude to the artistry found within. The warm greeting of the host - fre- quently Mr. Chen himself - shows how you will be treated: like family. Check out the many restau- rant awards on the way to your seat. In addition to the statuesque guards, the walls and tables are decorated with a number of paint- ings and calligraphies, many original works of art by Mr. Chen. The atmosphere of the resfau- Al ena Communit Colle e I, rant and charm of the staff are only outdone by the quality of the food. The ingredients are always fresh, and the dishes flavorful. The menu item I judge all Chinese restaurants by is Orange Chicken. This dish is relatively simple and can be done a thousand different ways, but certain benchmarks of quality are universal. Here you will find the chicken is fresh and juicy, with a full bodied sauce that is not overpower- ing. The vegetables are a1ways fresh and perfectly cooked. The quality of ingredients and skillful prepa- ration is a rare and beautiful har- mony not often found in places that don't charge you an arm and a leg. If you like spicy foods, start your meal with the Hot and Sour soup - delightfully made with shitake mushrooms, tofu, and a delicious hot broth with a kick. Chen's Russian soup is also a perennial favorite, loaded with fresh vegetables and pasta. If you are unfamiliar with items on the menu, the staff is always help- ful with explanations, but the best way to learn is to dive right in. The buffet offers a wide range of chicken, pork, beef and seafood dishes to let you sample the spectrum of flavors. For the adventurous seeking a taste truly unique to Alpena, try the sushi available only on Fridays and Saturdays. Mr. Chen'ssushiisalways fresh, beautifully presented and of a quality once thought only found on the Atlantic or Pacific coasts. To satisfy your sweet tooth, end your meal with the sweet buns. The light, subtle flavor compliments your meal without- overpowering the pallet; and goes perfectly with the ever present hot tea. Be sure to try it with the light pink plum sauce found in a jar at each table for a heavenly taste found nowhere else. Just as I felt a lifetime away from the foods I knew and loved, Jimmy Chen's Hunan Restaurant brings world class flavor and a feel- ing of home to Northern Michigan. H1 r,1 ,v ..L . l ill . ' 1fi i/! 'fi1 It, H) ., , f ,,, (H VJ