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CAMPUS UPDATE DECEMBER 2, 1981 PAGE 2 Editorial Page Over Thanksgiving break the college book store was broken into. The thieves attempted to open a safe. Unsuccessful, they stole some candy bars and left. Last spring East Campus was also broken into. The miss- ing items there were several soda pop cans. In both cases the crime appears to have been committed by juveniles and both could probably” have been prevented. Any time the college, or any other school, is closed for an extended period of time they are in a very vunerable position. Both police and thieves know this. However, the police cannot be expected to be every- where in Alpena at the same time. Also, the method of the burglary was not readily detected from the outside. Some type of alternate security or auxillary alarm system should be in order. Less than three weeks remain for the college’s Fall semester and other area schéols will also be closed soon. This Christmas vacation may provide local punks a chance to hone their burglary skills by practicing on our schools. Increased supervision by police could dampen their hopes of a big haul, at least for now. At any rate, the school system should consider some alternative to locked doors and irregular police patrols. That only annoys the thieves, it doesn’t stop them. This city has invested a lot into the education of its children. It’s ashame to see it tarnished by thieves. This past Sunday our Editor, Ed Teckman, fell and broke his arm which later required ‘surgery done’on his elbow. He has been released from the hospital and is recuperating at home. The staff of the Campus Update would like to send our condolences and hope for a a speedy re- covery. Get Well Soon! Due to circumstances beyond our control, the feature article on-the dormitory dining facility is not in this issue.as reported in the last one. We would like to extend an apology to any readers who were interested in our findings. The article will be published at a later date, 9) p S ® In our last issue we incorrectly identified Dan Roulo as Dan Koule. Sorry Dan! How would you pronounce ‘Koule’ anyway ? MANIFESTATIONS OF A FRESHMAN by Joel Reeves. Each year when Thanksgiving: rolls around | look forward to steaming Mr. Turkey franks, never- ending parades, and the great De- troit Lions football game. | hated to miss all these things, but, in the interest of good journalism, | de- cided to ‘‘get on” the phone this year and find out how some of our national celebrities observe Thanks- giving. 1 eeaan by calling renowned’ i ist, Dr. Carl Sa VEN; answered a voice. “Hello, this is Joel Reeves, Cam- pus Update. \s this Carl Sagan, host of. the PBS series, ‘‘Cosmos?’" y, it most assuredly is. Just one moment while | stir my _pri- mordial soup, it’s boiling over.’’ When he returned | asked, “So you don’t eat turkey on Thanks- giving like other people.’ “If you're referring to Meleagrid- idae, yes | do. In fact, | was just stuffing it with billions and billions of bread crumbs when you called. The sudden ringing startled me and | dropped an infinite number of crumbs on the floor.” “Oh boy,’’ | laughed, “it’ll prob- ably take you nearly a light year to clean that up. Just a little astro- nomical joke there.’ Suddenly | heard a click and the phone went dead. Someone had cut us off, | guess. Next | called-Moral Majority leader Reverend Jerry Fal- well. “Is this the Reverend Jerry Fal- well?” [ inquired when | heard someone pick up the phone. “That depends, are you a mem- ber of the Moral Majority?’ Somewhat confused | answered, “Well, | don’t know for sure, | sup- pose there’s always that possibil- ity.” 7 “Okay, good enough, you're in. Now, what is it you want to Know?” ane : call you Jerry?” i aoe then, Reverend Falwell, was just wondering whether 4 were eating turkey as a part of your Thanksgiving dinner?”’ “Nilo, | have censored the Thanks- giving turkey. There are just too many. suggestive terms represented by it.”” “You mean words like thigh, breast, stuffing it...2’” “Right.” “WNhat-are you going to eat in place of it then?” “\"ve ordered my ‘chef to serve up some kielbasa, salamis, and foot- long hotdogs, instead.’ Secretary of State Alexander Haig was the third celebrity | con- tacted. | asked him if he knew what the president was doing this Thanks- giving. “1 don’t know, and I’m not going to wake him up to find out.” It sounded’ like he was eating be- tween words so | asked him if he was having Thanksgiving dinner. “Yes, just a few things | whipped up myself. Potatoes au Stockman, Bush pumpkin pie, and turkey ala Richard Allen. Which reminds me, | have a phone call to make toxthe FBI later on.” There was a roar and Haig laugh- ed gleefully. “Nhat was that?’" “Just a little nuclear warning shot for Cuba,” answered Haig. ““\ warning shot. What will Mos- cow say about that?” “Not a helluva lot. That's syne the missile is headed.” | finished the rest of my phone calls from inside my fallout shelter. | called up John McEnroe, the ten- nis star. He said he was in a hurry, he had a match today. “Oh, that’s too bad, you won't get to see a turkey today.”” “Sure | will. There are the line judges, the opposing player, the opposing player's fans.’’ There's Continued on page 3 On U.S. 23: North Your Campus Branch _ALPENA [il SAVINGS Member F.D.1.C. CAMPUS UPDATE is a communications medium of Alpena Community College, and is published bimonthly—September through May—except during vacations and examination periods, by the: students of Alpena Community College—Alpena, Michigan. All articles published are the sole responsibility of the author(s), and the opinion(s) expressed in such articles do not necessarily one the views of the- editor(s), the advisor, or the ion of Alpena C Editor: Ed Teckman Assistant Editor: Greg Hurd Sports Editor: Bill Garant Administrative Assistant: Janice Wade Advertisitsg Manager. Leonard Bromund Reporters: Sharyn Owens, Georgia Wheeler, Elaine Wills, Joel Reeves, Deb Ferriter, Nancy La Framboise College. Campus Update is printed by the Alpena News ch eve Pat Collins Advisor: Dr. L. Aufderheide