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:He’s crazy, he’s... Gyo GEE.) Giewit! weed souineeKe Lumberjack, Issué 7, April 10, 1991 pg § ~~~ _Darin’s cotton tale by Darin Hite On the night of March 30 Thad a lifelong dream shatter into millions of tiny pieces right before ‘my eyes. I will never get over the shocking reality that befell me on this landmark evening. It all started around 5 in the evening. I was busy decorating Easter eggs and getting ready for the finest Easter Pve ever had, when suddenly out of the speaker of my life-call-receiver unit I heard the most frantic death-shook voice « Pveeverheard. *Help! My name is Sarah E. Bunny. My husband has a gun! he’s chasing me, I need your help, quick!” Then there was a loud crash and the voice said, "Hurry, help me! Tve fallen and I can’t get up, I think he’s going to hurt me!” At first I thought it was just another teenage life-call prank, but then I thought -- what fool would be so deranged as to lie about E. Bunny? ‘I also figured any one who has delivered eggs for as long _ as he has is bound to have his | crack someti: ifineed: be, destroyin great bringer of joy such as of ‘Rabbit Easter! first thing I did was os realized the “Jackrabbit” he’d been to his wife. I then hopped into my new Hal him where he was a live life on da open woad,” Boy ae give him credit, I a he’s got guts. fe then got to the Easter’ 3 oe. and quickly but guletly entered. Sarah Bunny was right. ' He was crazy! The hole was just = eggs ] of alcohol The Easter Bunny was definitely 100% living proof that drinking binges are a bad ! As the kid and I moved about - the hole we witnessed things far too disgusting to print (by the time you would’ve read this, much of it will have been censored because of its delicate matter.) We proceeded to move to the back of the lair where we could hear glass breaking and eggs being thrown at walls only to pop and Tun down into the 4-inch thick sea of yolk and whites we’d waded in since we entered. We then went in the room and the Easter Bunny with a crazed look in his eyes fired off about 3 shots at me. I dodged them, of co urse. But before I could shoot off Peter’s cotton tail, the kid kicked the gun out of my hand and with a tear in his eye big enough to fill the ocean he cried out, "Plead Eater Bunny, I love you!” At this the Easter Bunny put down his gun forever, and began to ‘ t s history damnit I was a mae ah This year the kid and I came to your homes and hid your eggs while the Easter Bunny rested with Chevy Chase and David Crosby at the Betty Ford Clinic. And I want each of you to know we did it for “the children so that their Easters could be happy. The kid and I hope to God they were, and we would also like to know if you lace and = ee used driving to your houses, especially you people who live way out of town! by Matt Southwell : As you may recall in our last episode, I had Jim Morrison accompany me to Mr. Miesen’s English Class in a vain attempt at social re-entry. This was sadly, a dismal failure as The Doors lead singer became so traumatized upon meeting the notorious instructor that he fell into a light coma impeding any student-Morrison interaction. So, feeling I learned something from my last mistake, I once again undertook the task of de-briefing Jimbo. First off -- pulling Jim out of that coma. I accomplished this via ‘the oldest method in the book; I force-fed him a 7-11 frenchbread pizza mashed up in a bowl with SweetTarts, beef jerky, twinkees and two sprays of WD-40. Upon injesting this unique and not-quite famous concoction, _ Morrison This ey out to be areview> of the Cher TV. special, Being ‘of the generation that could tegularly watch the Cher Show, I felt I would be able offer some _ insightful comparison of the old and the new. However, except for the absence of the wisecracks from Sonny and the trademark duet, little else had changed. Cher has. alway: “Sadly, I watched a Maori 118 South Ripley Street Alpena, MI 49707 Duffy's Discount Computer & Supplies “Products priced to save you money.” (517)356-6946 -4pm.* cra ACROSS FROM LITTLE CAESARS Oreo ne till 8 p.m, ¢ Tue. - Thurs. till ui 6 pm. turdays 356-9732 ‘Closed Sat gagged (as people tend to do) and softly spoke, ”Please, Matt, don’t take me to school. No more Mr. Miesen . . . No more Mr. Miesen . . Miesen, Miesen.” I stopped him from babbling and informed him of my latest plan. “Jim,” said I, "P've decided you need a night out on the town.” »Y’know, sort of rub elbows with the students while they're out blowing off steam.” So on Thursday night the Lizard King and I set off for adventure in my GMC Jimmy. As we drew close to the Royal Knight Theatre, Jim suddenly clutched my arm and shouted, ”You're not going to make me see look like me!” I assured Jim that The Doors movie was not on the agenda but rather told him of my Cher-ing the experience *Babe’ talented woman being exploited in an hour long advertisement for a hotel in the Nevada desert. A few nights later I happened 5 Oth Anniv as NO ar viewer Of tt program as sitcoms are not my forte. This program was ladened with relevance to the Equal Rights _ Movement, especially for women. moving into traditional male _ professions. At that point i in time, the “only professions accessible to women were nursing, teaching, (with a few college level 1 openings) and ¢ profession, Motherhood. — = i Tyler Moore, like her modern. day counterpart Murphy Brown, didn’t have itvall. She placed her career before her private life, therefore, she had a series of blind dates. She never married, didn’t start a family, and deprived herself of the joys of parenting. But as ‘viewers, we knew it would happen someday. After all, her biological clock didn’t run out -- her show ‘was just cancelled. This is a classic example of art imitating life. For those of us coming of age during the Feminist Movement, life held the promise of personal fulfillment in both career and private arenas. But along the way, everyday living bogged us down. We didn’t realize ‘we were going to have to a superwomen to accom our goals. The problem was oe forgot to ask the men to Cooperate, We plan to attend a college night at -the local watering-hole and soothe his soul with rock-n-roll. Jim, still a little jumpy, once again clutched my arm, ”Mr. Miesen doesn’t ever come here, does he?” *No,” I answered, they don’t have any Carly Simon on the jukebox. He has, however, been students that he was quite hip and nowhere near the nerdy man as Southwell’s article so maliciously portrayed him.” Jim shot me an alarmed look and then sort of grinned without confidence as he realized I was kidding. washer and dryer or emptying the dishwasher was beneath the male dignity. When “ Sexual Revolui i its workplace and on the playing field. Talk. about _ the. . proverbial, Catch-22. In order to wear the white dress you must be pure, but in order to get a date you must have the come hither look. And to get a promotion, well le counterparts or that had three degrees. The only way a woman could get an executive position was by ope © with the boss. The other consideration content to raise children provide a clean house thi: group in, which forced the mother of three into the workforce in % The Equal Rights Aetna may not have been ratified, but the general populace now understands. the concept. "We've come a long way, Baby” and we learned to "grab all the gusto” we could. Unfortunately, we still have champagne tastes on beer budgets. Maybe Cher has the tight idea; she "didi it her way.”