The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

CAMPUS UPDATE FEBRUARY 16, 1983 PAGE 2 EDITORIAL PAGE At the end of this month television wilt celebrate another milestone in its rather spotty history. The final episode of MASH will soon be upon us, and though it may be long in coming we can all rest easier now that the Korean War is finally over. Sociologists will no doubt look back at all of this and try to drawa relationship between the show and our subtle national shift towards pacifism. After all, if Nixon had watched an episode of MASH nine times rather than the movie “Patton”, would he have brought OUR boys home instead of escalating the bombing of Cambodia and mining the harbors in Hanoi? Within the next month, television critics and viewers will bemoan the loss of a carefully crafted program which could make people laugh as well as shed tears. But, there’s always the reruns. Public broadcasting stations will soon be airing certain episodes which convey a particular ‘‘message”, much like their occasional “Playhouse 90” programs. : The hype surrounding all of this (including this piece to an extent) is not to draw attention to ourselves, but to say good-bye to a program which has meant something to those of us who have allowed it to come into our lives. * Sure, it will be fun to see which sponsers will have commercials on the final episode: at $450,000: for thirty seconds and to read the books that will come from the series, but the war must come to an e! of understanding eckoned to be heard. 2! SUMMER, ReuING ALREADY * Contest placed in an envelope, ad- dressed to Campus Update and put in the C. U. mailbox in the business office, VLH by March 30. Don't forget to write your name, address and phone num- ber on your entry. All’ applicants will receive a free one year subscription: to the Campus Update. “Why | don’t write letters to the editor of the college news- paper,”—in 25 words or less. A cash prize of $5 will be awarded for the most original and thought-provoking letter submitted. All letters must be typed, Delayed Reactions by Joel Reeves the final episode of *A*S*H coming soon to televi- sion, many faithful viewers of the hit series are waiting in great antici- pation to find out what the fates will be of their favorite characters. It just so happens that | was talking with an old T.V. producer friend the other day, Campy Quagmire, and as sometimes happens in the heard the angels coming 10 minutes ago.’ There’s no need to go into Trapper John, we all know where he ended up. Many viewers will be surprised to find that Charles Winchester was not the man he seemed. Actually, Charles was the son of a Boston fish monger and all the expensive pack- ages of wine, caviar, and cheese he received were free samples sent to subscribers of “Fine Living’ maga- zine. Major Winchester does be- come rich and famous as a surgeon to the stars and is especially known for making Victoria Principal the ing figure she is in televi- midst of a one thing led to another and before | could stop him he gave me the inside scoop the final episode of M*A*S*H. First of all, Father Mulcahey will be called to the front line to give a dying soldier his last rites. In the process, he will be captured by the North Koreans and converted to Marxism. Later in the program he will be shown marching and singing with Khrushchev during a Red Square parade. Colonel Potter returns home to his wife and ho hen the colonel is unable to explain a photograph. of Klinger dressed in a red nightgown, which Mrs. Potter discovers under his bed pillow, she sues for divorce. A broken man, Colonel Potter spends the rest of his days re-writing Zane Grey novels and mailing them to Korean war orphans under the pseudonym ley Sheri s : few episodes, is arrested during the going home party for wearin nothing but a lamp shade. Commit- ted to a VA hospital for psychiatric observation, he is released 12 years, later as cured. However, whenever he hears “Toledo Mudhens” spoken in Lebanese he attacks French lingerie salesmen. “Hot Lips” Houlihan announces to the 4077th that she is pregnant and everyone is shocked when she has two ferret-faced, lipless twins. | know, Frank’s been gone for more than nine months, but the Korean War didn’t last eleven years either. There are also some flashbacks. during the show concerning some previously departed — characters. Henry Blake, who — everyone thought was killed in an airplane crash, actually missed the plane, forgot where he was, and spent the rest of the war fly fishing. Frank Burns, after his discharge from the army, was appointed Surgeon’ Gen- eral of the United States. As for lovable “Radar” O'Reilly, he arrives at his farm in lowa and finds it has been repossessed by the bank. Out- raged, he turns to a life of crime, finally terminated in a hail of gun- fire. His dying words were, “I’m not surprised it ended this way, | the fade-out, Hawkeye stands in the sion today. In the last episode B.J. Honicutt reveals the true meaning of his ini- tials, He is forced to live in a V.I.P. tent for the remainder of the war. His story does not end here though, as we are taken back to his home near San Francisco, where he is reunited with his wife and child. Peg waited faithfully for B.J. to come home, unfortunately she did most of her waiting in an ice cream parlor and weighs 315 pounds. B.J. is forced to spend his veterans bene- fits getting her mouth wired shut. In an Emmy winning perfor- mance, Alan Alda plays an over - joyed Hawkeye celebrating the end of the Korean War. He drinks a lot, pretends he’s Groucho Marx, swears at a high-ranking officer, and then performs 12 hours of delicate surgery upon the last wounded man in Korea. In the last scene before mpound diy out a 6 swamp, ‘urns to face the camera and speaks a few last lines. “M*A*S*H was not just a story about crazy doctors and sexy nurs- es and’ playing practical jokes on the high brass. The show literally raised a generation. that now under- stands that war disrupts, mangles, and destroys human life, regardless of race, creed, sex, or religion. We can not measure the potential lost during such a senseless struggle, we only know that such potential is never recoverable. Anyway, our time’s been well spent and is unfor- tunately used up. So for all those here at M*A*S*H 4077th, BJ., Colonel Potter, Hot Lips .. .er Margeret, Klinger, Charles, and all the rest, goodnight.”” (CAMPUS UPDATE Editor: Greg Hurd Assistant Editor: Joel Reeves : : isa communications medium of Alpena Community College, and-is published bimonthly—September through May—except during vacations and examination periods, by the students of Alpena Community College—Alpena, Michigan. All articles published are the sole responsibility of the author(s), and the opinion(s) expressed in such articles do not necessarily express the views of the editor(s), the advisor, or the administration of Alpena Community College. Campus Update is printed by the Alpena News. Administrative Assistant: Amy Szczukowski Photographer: Ray Spain } Reporters: Lynn Lightner, Debbie Specht, Greg Reeves, Kathy Gauden Advertising Manager: Cindy Robinette Advisor: Dr. L. Aufderheide