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The Polemle • Wed•day, Nwember 15, 1995 'Ifte 'Irifogg of tfte 9q)se: Part I - .Love's meaning eq,foretf BY KENT ANDERSON STAFF WRITER Elton John believes in it, Selena thinks she could fall in it, and Meat Loaf will do any- thing for it (but he won't do that). But what is it? What is love? Specifically, what is that love between a man and a woman that has been the sub- ject of poems, stories, plays, and songs for centuries? That is the question I asked some area residents, both married and single, and professionals. My goal is simple: I hope to find a com- mon thread running through the responses of those l ques- tioned, a common idea of what love is. Lisa Martin, married mother of two living and working in Alpena, re- sponded to my question by saying that love is " a. feeling of affection and tenderness for another person. An attraction between two people." Diana Crider, also married, said: "I think it is caring about some- one unconditionally and putting yourself second to that person (your companion) - wanting what's best for him despite what it may cost you." Now the perspective shifts from the eyes of the married to "the vision of the single. Ron White, a freshman here at ACC, stated: "It's a feeling that grows. It keeps going, it's .never losing inter- est in that person (your companion). No matter what, you're always there." Karen Dohn, a senior in high school, had this to say: "It's a mutual trust for one another. A com- munication, a trust, and a loyalty and faithfulness to each other." Karen and Ron may be unmarried, but when one is attempting to define love, no group of people can be overlooked. It's ,important to understand that everybody has something to ~ontribute to this question - all opinions are necessary to formulate a com- plete answer. Just because someone is married does not mean that they have found the solution to the complex equation of love. Dale Kowalski, a divor- cee living and working in Alpena, would be one of the first people to agree with that. "Love is patience and kind- ness," Dale said, "a willingness to listen to your mate, and, you know, come to an agree- ment between the two of you - not a one-sided qecision. Love is also a willingness to be inconvenienced." Tamyra Hanson, divorced mother of two, stated that she didn't have a "concrete answer" to my question, however, she did have an opinion as to how we might learn more about love's definition. "I truly be- lieve much can be learned regarding this mystic question by observing an infant. Their unconditional love, trust, in- nocence, forgiveness, wisdom and peace is enviable." From the spiritual view of someone committed to a life of representing God, comes another focus. "To me, love is that· compassion, that MACHINE TOOL .TECHNOLOGY VState of the Art Equipment 2 YEAR VHands on experience in: AAS DEGREE ✓EDM Wire ✓SmartCam ✓CNC Mills desire that springs from our must realize that the emo- first love, which is the Lord," tional needs of his or her answered Sylvia Owens, Pas- toral minister at St. Bernards Catholic Church in Alpena. "I believe that He put within each of us a capacity to love." She further explained that love is "becoming something _besides yourself, it's unselfish, it's sacrificing, it's working for another, it's putting your arms around someone when they're hurting ... " Further insight was ob- tained when I spoke with Dr. Ted Stiger, a ·marriage coun- selor here in Alpena·, who spoke of love as a "cumula- tive process." His reasoning on the subject of love was by far the most analytical of the people I talked to. Infancy, he said, is where it all begins. "There are infancy needs that have to be responded to on the part of the parent, which is the communication of emo- tional responsiveness." It was his opinion that the aforemen- tioned relationship between infant and parent must exist for all us in the beginning be- fore anyone can be capable of accepting the idea of "mature love." · Dr. Stiger said that, along with the foundation laid in our infancy, to achieve a ma- ture, "loving relationship" an individual must have a capac- ity to see things from the other person's perspective. This state of understanding is al- most like empathy but much stronger. Each person in a relation- ship, according to Dr. Stiger, companion "are as legitimate and valid as your own." If both persons in a relationship realize that, then a "loving re- lationship" will exist. "As certain emotional needs are responded to, the ability to accept mature love grows and evolves until the day we drop," Dr. Stiger said. He believed that love, "mature love," was an on-going pro- cess that moves in stages. First, we are attracted by another's appearance. From that point of physical infatua- tion, we then proceed to get to know that person on an emotional, more mature level. In a "loving relationship," one never stops learning about his or her companion. A true lov- ing relationship must grow beyond mere physical attrac- tion to become an open, free state of emotional communi- cation. After I talked to all of these people, I realized two things. First, with the excep- tion of Dr. Stiger and Sylvia Owens, the two individual's whose lives are constantly in- tertwined with the question I put forth, it seems that a lot of people don't really give love much consideration. I don't think enough of us stop and think about what we're saying when we utter the phrase "I love you." The people I talked to, even the married couples, all tripped over their tongues when they tried to answer my question. They spoke with a desire to explain, yet they did Eldorado of the heart that can not know how to sum up their · never be found. Yes, love view of love. Second, every- seems to have fallen into a one seemed to know what state of over-use, abuse, and love was, or, at least, they felt degradation. capable of using the word, un- Too many people chuck til I asked them to tell me it about without really consid- what it is. Why is that? ering what it means. That's I think people tend to stupid and wrong. There are trust their emotions when also individuals who utter the they feel them. They don't re- phrase "I love you" solely for ally consider the word "love" the purpose of seducing an- and its ideal image. All they other. That's sick and know is how they feel, and dishonorable. I think the word saying "I love you" is the best still has power, majesty, and method they can think of to meaning, but only when it's express their feelings. But I reinforced by a stalwart bul- have a problem with that. I wark of truth. To decide mean, how many times do whether or not truth exists people use "I love you" too within a loving situation, we quickly? Time, I think, is an · should take the time to con- absolute necessity when con- sider our feelings carefully. If sidering that powerful phrase. your heart's rhythm maintains Without first delving into its pace, if the sparkle in the one's reasoning behind the eye maintains its shining need to utter "I love you," one grace, then express the pow- will be dancing on the clouds erful s_tate of tempestuous of an emotional high and, longing within by saying, "I overwhelmed by this elation love you." of the heart, they will fail to The bottom-line is this: look at the situation with a It's up to each individual to cautious eye. One should stop make up his or her mind and ask his or her self: When based on their own experience the blood-burning maelstrom and the advice of others. of passion loses strength, will There is no formula to apply the longing for the person de- to this problem, no rulebook sired still remain? It is my to scan for a solution, but opinion that in the present- there are one's feelings and day world the most common, reason. The people I talked to though not omnipresent, an- had their own feelings, ideas, swer is no. That is what and concepts about love, but concerns me, that is the rea- no two were exactly alike. No- son I decided to explore this body can be right or wrong complicated riddle. on this subject. All we can do Some people find it hard is trust our feelings, have faith to put their faith in love these in our reason; share our souls days. They think of it as an with another, and find the impossible dream, an courage to believe. 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